The Breakdown

Imagine setting a table for a dinner party that you had been painstakingly planning for quite some time. You’ve taken care to make sure that even the smallest details had been attended to just so that your guests would be comfortable. However, during the hustle and bustle of preparing for this perfect dinner party, you encountered some hiccups that rattled you, but you shook them off to deal with after the party. You can rest when the party is over, right?  Before the party even begins, your pipes burst and your home is flooded. The party is canceled and you are now looking at what is left of the disaster.

That was me. Well, I wasn’t planning an exquisite dinner party but I was right in the middle of what I thought was the best place to be professionally, financially, and socially when I was told that I was no longer needed, or really even desired, at my job.. I was crushed, heartbroken, and dejected. I had worked so hard to get myself to this place professionally by doing all of the right things on my own, and often times against the odds. I was a single mother of three that had earned two degrees, and a professional certification all while battling a hard divorce and all of the ramifications that came along with that plus other challenges that are just too exhausting to mention. Besides, I don’t live in those challenges anymore, so they don’t deserve any further energy either. Back to the crumbling.

I had planned well enough to sustain myself and my little family for a while because of previous experience, thank God, but I can not say that I was ok mentally. In fact, I was on the road to one of the most mentally challenging times that I had ever endured. I had been on that path for quite some time as I look back in retrospect. My leadership role burned me out mentally and I begged God for relief and peace from what I was going through. The workdays were very chaotic, and internally I knew I was no longer comfortable there and that my time had expired. In fact, I had quit that role previously because it was too much mentally but came back out of fear that I would be letting my children down. 

When I finally went back to work, would you believe that it was back into a similar chaotic environment? Yeah, I know what you’re going to say, so please don’t say it. Thank you. I’m no longer there either, so your girl did learn her lesson on just looking at the money and thinking that you can overlook and remain in environments that do not align with your destiny. Coming home mentally exhausted took a toll on every area of my life and I just continued to break down for nearly two years.  The kids were losing their minds, the mama had already lost hers, and life was just piling on one thing after another. The whole time I began shedding things, and it was all very humbling, but I’ll touch on that more in another post. I wore it well because I felt that I had no other choice. My boys were looking and relying on me…they had no one else but mama. Let me pause here because I do not want to take away from the way God allowed my family to lift me up every single time I was falling. Gratefulness is an understatement and I can’t wait to repay them for their love. Back to my discomfort because it was indeed discomforting. So much so that there were moments when I truly did not want to be here anymore. Yes, it got that dark. And no, I’m not trying to trauma dump on y’all, but baby, the breakdown was breaking down. I no longer feel this way so lighten up but my truth hopefully helps someone.

That season drained me in ways I still struggle to fully explain. I was functioning, but I was not well. I was present physically, but mentally and emotionally, I was drowning. Still, somehow, God kept placing life preservers in the form of family, grace, provision, and the simple responsibility of having three boys watching me keep going. Looking back, I can now see that my breakdown did not begin the day I lost the job. It began long before that, in the quiet ways I kept abandoning my own peace to survive environments that were draining me. Losing the job was just the moment the flood became impossible to ignore.

And that is the thing about breakdowns. They do not always arrive as one dramatic moment. Sometimes they come after a long season of enduring what you were never meant to carry.

If you have ever had life humble you in an unexpected way, then you probably understand this post more than you wanted to.  Have you ever had a season of breakdown? If so, what did it teach you? I’m still learning so please share what you have learned.